Grow with Coby

My Story

Porn was my great thief of self worth for more than 28 years.  I was 38 years old when, for the first time in my life, I said out loud to my wife, “I’m proud of who I am.”  With tears in my eyes I reflected on the painful lies, deceit and heartache I inflicted on myself and my wife.  That moment I realized I could not have been more free of shame, grateful and full of hope for the future.
I grew up in a Christian home where my parents sought to protect us from the world of sin.  However, religion does not keep us from sin, but it can help us get out of it.  I was 7 years old when I saw porn for the first time and was hooked from the go.  I was the kid who, rather than feeling guilty, felt a physical rush that I wanted again and again.  That rush became the escape I sought all growing up and into my teenage years.  I had no idea what I had done to my brain by watching porn, how I had rewired it so I was emotionally disconnected from everyone in my life.
At age 19 I left college and decided to serve a 2 year mission for my church, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.  This would be good I thought, I could stop this bad habit and move on.  The first six months I was “white knuckling” it and soon acted out.  That was the first time I felt the shame, the deep, deep shame of all my actions catch up with me.  I was unprepared for the price of my addiction, something that at that point I wasn’t aware I had.  My addiction told me how worthless I was and I felt it.  It also told me that if anyone really knew me, they would not love me and not accept me.  That feeling stayed with me everyday after.  It did not matter how much I tried to pray away my addiction or the shame I felt I could not outrun this problem.  
My thinking became skewed where I thought if I showed more faith or went 2 extra miles that I could earn the love and acceptance back of my Heavenly Father.  I had no idea that I had the love and grace of the Lord all along.  His love was never failing but addiction took that fact from me.  Mentally I was in a fog, spiritually I had found a new God that became my idol and that left no room or little or no room for the spirit to speak to me or perhaps for me to hear it when it called.  
After my mission was finished I decided that marriage was going to stop my uncontrollable behavior for sure or at least I thought it was going to.  But I distinctly remember the deep and overwhelming feeling of shame when I thought about telling Ashlynn before we got married.  I believed that she would reject me and not marry me and leave me if she ever found out.  I was stuck and did the only thing I learned to do all my life.  I lied to myself and everyone around me to maintain the facade that I was “the good boy.”  That life carried a price of anguish and hell on Earth.
Looking back on that moment in time I could not have known how devastating it would be to my wife … to both our souls.
Ashlynn knew something was off in the first month of being married.  I knew she knew it too but all I thought was if we didn’t talk about it, it didn’t happen.  So we didn’t.  My life was filled with enormous moments of anxiety, feelings of worthlessness and shame. I was not safe for her, nor was she safe for me.  Trust was missing.  Ashlynn began to resent me because of what I was doing but didn’t understand the feelings behind it.  She would go to bed while I stayed up late to watch TV.  For years this went on.
By year 6 my consumption of porn and constant lies to Ashlynn lead to an emotional affair.  I was caught and then had to tell Ashlynn, who was absolutely devastated.  I remember sitting on the couch and telling her one Sunday afternoon and her just crying.  The tears of betrayal tore me apart but I was so deep in addiction I played it off like it was no big deal because it was only an emotional affair.  In fact I told her we should probably get a divorce because we were so disconnected.  I began 12 Step and “completed” it without doing any of the work.
At the time I was traveling to Europe and Australia for 2-3 weeks at a time.  I did that 4-5 times a year per continent.  My addiction was eating me alive and I didn’t want to change.  I was not the same person and it was visible in my eyes and on my face. While on trips I would call Ashlynn and tell her I relapsed every so often but it would always be a half-truth.  Telling the whole truth was more than my twisted mind could handle.  My reality was nowhere near truth and I could not see it.  I actually blamed Ashlynn for anything that was wrong in our marriage.  Worst part is, she believed me.  That is classic addiction to blame others and take no responsibility.  Classic betrayal is the believe that its your fault and to feel responsible for the place your in.
My angst found life in my words and thoughts about Ashlynn.  I loved her dearly and knew I was causing her so much pain because of my actions.  However, EVERY time I saw her I was reminded of my own sins and years of it.  I was tormented by her purity and worthiness.  The worst parts in me began to scream and fight because each time I looked in her eyes she showed me what I did not have, the peace that comes from living without addiction.  So without even knowing it I was pushing back on all things good in her.  When she was serving at church or carrying out on her responsibilities I would be so critical of the time it took away from us.  Funny thing was all my criticisms were in effort to push away the one thing I wanted to so badly...worthiness, peace, acceptance and self worth.   
Years passed and we talked about my acting out less and less but just enough to make her think I was “being honest” but I knew the lies were growing.  I pushed for a connection in our marriage but based that connection on what porn had trained my mind for.  I was never content which pushed Ashlynn further and further away.  What I wanted most I made quite impossible to have through my actions.
After going through a hugely traumatic experience with our girls being sexually abused by someone we trusted and loved and were engulfed in recovery as a family.  That was a long season of stress, hardship and devastation and I had a long season of sobriety.  Our girls were in therapy and our family attended group therapy.  Soon after we began marriage therapy where we constantly worked on the symptoms of the behaviors but not the core issue.
However, my willpower was gone from all the stress of the girls’ abuse, and as things calmed down I did the unthinkable.  I had another affair.  I was approached by a woman and had no healthy way to cope with such a proposal.  So on the heels of the most devastating time of our little families’ life, I was escaping the stress with another woman.  I had no idea what I was doing, the betrayal I was causing.  I was in my own head and lost in lies and deceit.
Somehow in October of that year I ended the relationship.  It finally dawned on me that it was going nowhere and I was risking everything in life I held dear.  I could not take the weight of the affair any longer and I vowed I would never tell Ashlynn about it.
April of 2014 I saw an ad for a company, Addo Recovery, that specializes in sexual addiction.  I knew that our girls responded so successfully from their sexual abuse with specialized therapists that it was likely the best route for me too.  So I called and by August of 2014 I was in therapy but still vowed I would never tell Ashlynn about the second affair.  I was simply afraid she would leave me.
6 weeks of therapy under our belts and our therapist encouraged me to tell her because she knew Ashlynn was in such a good place.  I was ready to tell her but it could not have come at a worse time as we were leaving to go to Southern California for a wedding and to visit “The Happiest Place on Earth.”  The trip was anything but happy.  It was filled with pain and hurt and anguish and fire in my soul.  We did not talk lots that trip.  Ashlynn was connecting dots about the past and when the affair took place.  I was ready to do whatever possible to change for the better.
I am sober in full recovery (yes there is a difference) since July 12, 2014.  We have both worked incredibly hard on ourselves, together and to make things right.  Ashlynn went to her own group therapy class on betrayal trauma and shame for many months at Addo, while I went to therapy 3 times a week for 9 months.  I continue to go to therapy once a week, meet with my group of guys, work on my “dailies” and report to my sponsor each night.  I mentor men each month in a group setting to help them live each day in a safe way, to foster lasting and sustainable recovery.
Recovery has given me peace, connection to Ashlynn and my girls that I have never had, confidence when I think of God, hope for an ever improving life and pride in who I’ve become.  I stay firmly connected by using the tools given to me and by working at recovery every single day.